Ice Cream at Midnight
And other indulgences as of late – May 2026
It’s May, and it’s a new month, and I’m officially on maternity leave (but haven’t had a baby yet). This week feels luxurious and bittersweet with a dash of anxiety on top. After spending the last 9+ months balancing pregnancy and work, it feels like such a self-care treat to lie around in the sun and not worry about emails or client deadlines, but I also know my world is about to turn upside down at any second (due date is tomorrow, so baby’s arrival is imminent)!!
I’ve been strategically neglecting this newsletter; I let it fall to the bottom of my priority list, and I just looked at that list a thousand times and thought “nope, still not moving up the list, still don’t have the capacity to it”, and I’m honestly proud of myself for that. I would typically feel bad about something that’s low on my list not getting done, or think about it incessantly until I finally powered through in some hyper-focused stint, but amazingly, I went 4 whole months without writing this newsletter. I did not internally combust, and nothing bad happened, and now that I have this luxurious week, I’m writing it, and you know what, it feels like perfect timing.
What have I been doing if I haven’t been writing this newsletter? Mostly working, napping, decorating a nursery, buying baby things, trying to weather the political disaster we’re living in, and going to one million doctor appointments. I’m finding myself wanting to recap the last 9 months (since I haven’t mentioned being pregnant in this substack), so let me just take you through the blur that’s been pregnancy to get all caught up to the present moment.
We found out we were pregnant on a sunny afternoon in late August, a phone call from the fertility clinic followed by tears and a long hug, and then it was back to work like things were normal. And yet they weren’t. Everything had changed. In one tiny moment, my entire list of priorities, plans, visions for the future, and life had changed color.
The first few months were hazy. We were getting our bathroom remodeled and living in our basement; I was juggling nausea and deep exhaustion while also riding the anxiety waves of getting to the next doctor’s appointment to make sure everything was okay. There were days when things felt exciting and hopeful, and days when I felt dreadful and miserable.
People talk about pregnancy and make it out to be this blissful, peaceful time, with montages of decorating and cute ultrasound pictures, and of course, it is that, but it’s also major anxiety, not sleeping, and battling the strangest symptoms that seem to change hourly. The emotional reality is complex, adding a layer to feelings that are already confusing to wade through.
There was a night when I was in Wyoming at an art retreat where I lay awake, heartbroken about the wildfire smoke that had rolled into the valley while also terrified that breathing it in would harm the baby. The first feelings of mom-guilt rolled in with that smoke: should I not have come on this trip, should I have thought of this, should I book a flight home and get out of here asap?
And then the heaviness of knowing I’ll have to explain climate change to our child once they are old enough to understand, and the complicated feelings of knowing that another human is not the solution to the ecological disaster we’ve walked ourselves into. And yet, at the same time, feeling joy while on a trip to Marin, imagining our child feeling the cold of the Pacific Ocean for the first time, or the sound of the wind through the trees in the Muir Woods. It’s a mess of grief and love, I suppose, like everything?
Making it to the second trimester was a relief and a victory. With it, I got some of my energy back and a little reassurance that the baby was healthy. We took a trip to Hawaii in early December and soaked in our last pre-baby anniversary. I enjoyed the slow season of the holidays for maybe the first time in my life. I had newfound energy for work and worked on some really fun projects in January, including putting up a tiny art show and designing a 42-page report with a colleague that I am (surprisingly) really proud of!
The nesting energy kicked in, and I spent so much time making updates to our house and getting everything for the nursery. We painted the baby’s room, got new windows and trim, and hung up shelves. I found a crib and a chair on Facebook Marketplace, picked out a rug, and painted a mural! I wasn’t totally unscathed during this time. I battled a 3-week cold that turned into the flu after visiting our nieces and nephews in San Diego, and being sick while pregnant is something else. Eventually, I felt better (thank you, urgent care and antivirals).
By the third trimester, I couldn’t believe I had made it that far and yet still had so many months to go. I shared the news with my team, started taking on fewer freelance projects, made sure I had Paid Leave Oregon all set up, and started to really feel like I was going to have a baby sometime in the future. We went to Bend for Valentine’s Day and took the dogs. In March, my friends and family threw me the cutest baby shower, and then I flew to New York to see my coworkers for an all-studio meeting. Flying at 8 months pregnant was no joke, but I am very proud of myself for going, participating successfully, and taking care of myself through it.
Somewhere in all of these moments was the ever-increasing horror of our current administration’s decisions. It’s impossible and confusing to fit all the feelings, rage, grief over it all into any sort of container, and it’s also so hard to know what to do, how to help, how to advocate for meaningful change. It seems insane to have to advocate for basic human rights in 2026, but that’s where we are. We’ll have to explain greed, power, privilege, racism, sexism, corruption, colonialism, capitalism, and fascism to our child, if only I didn’t, if only those were things of the past – written in history books. I found so much comfort on a girls’ trip to Packwood for one of my best friends’ bachelorette parties. A cabin full of powerful women turns out to be a great way to fill you up with hope for the future.
By the time April rolled around, I was ready to be home (and never leave?). April, too, was a flash. Nick’s parents came to visit, we celebrated Easter with my family, and watched my niece hunt for eggs, even though she was more into her bubble machine. I turned 35 and had the most low-key birthday of my life (which was so nice). We celebrated with a giant stack of homemade pancakes, taking the dogs to the river, and eating pizza with my siblings at my sister’s house.
Which brings us right into May! Right to the present moment, sitting in my shed waiting for this baby to arrive. This month is already my new favorite because I know it’s when we’ll get to meet our daughter (and I’ll finally be done being pregnant!). I’ve always liked May, but it’s always been an in-between month. Somewhere between my birthday (April) and summer (June). This year it’s been the most anticipated month of all, and I’m trying as hard as I can to just soak in the last few pre-baby days, but it’s tough – I’m ready to meet her!
My creative practice and illustration work have definetly slowed down over the last 4-5 months. Not having the energy to get through a limited set of todos has led me to go easy on myself and not take on too much. I haven’t ridden a bike in 6 months or laced up my running shoes for a proper jog around the block in who-knows-how-long. I thought my limited energy for these things would have filled me up with more grief, but it truly hasn’t been the case.
I’ve found so much joy in the creative endeavor of doing graphic design daily for work, in reading and learning as much as I can about pregnancy, birth, and parenting, and in embracing the slower pace of my physical abilities. I know this is just a season of life, and that this season will turn too. I am manifesting a creative, outdoor future for myself and my little family once the time is right.
In the meantime, I’m going to go eat some ice cream, and I’ll see you all on the other side of this strange and beautiful time. Probably sometime in three months.
Thanks for sharing your innermost thoughts. We look forward to meeting the baby and celebrating the start of a new generation. ❤️🥰