I am still here!
And other realizations about existence.
January is over, and I've vowed to "write more" in 2024, so here I am. I'm showing up to the blank page with some rambling thoughts and an update on what I've been up to the last four weeks.
I am still here! This phrase has been my mantra lately, as I've been lying awake at night contemplating what I should focus on, whether I should do this or that, whether I said the right or wrong thing, and whether I'm on the proverbial 'right path.' Instead of continuing to spin and spin on questions I don't have answers to, I say, "I'm still here! and that's something".
And it is something. To keep showing up, day in and day out, to ask myself the questions and work hard to try and answer them; that's what matters. That's all I can do. The answers will arrive when I need them to.
I have no idea where it came from, and it doesn't totally make sense why it calms my anxiety, but it seems to work. It's a reminder that anything I might feel is just a result of being a human on earth, feeling things. It's a reminder that I have survived over the last 32 (almost 33) years of the highs, lows, and long stretches of murky unknowing, and I'll probably continue to survive them, hopefully with more grace as time goes on. It's a friendly and kind way of saying, 'Yup, this is life, you're experiencing it, and you're still here, still figuring it out as you go, what a victory!'
Celebrities, millionaires, and people with perfectly curated homes must "still be here," enduring and enjoying existence – whatever that means for them. Maybe they have to deal with paparazzi, someone stealing their yacht, or a dog puking on their rug, and they wonder where they went wrong. They curse the gods and lament their fate, but they haven't done anything wrong. That's the real heart of this for me: experiencing life's regular ups and downs and trying to figure it out: that's just life. No retroactive over-analysis needed. Basically: shit happens. Things break. Things don't go as planned. This list goes on, and despite this list, we are all still here.
Negative feelings don't mean you messed anything up. (Eureka!) Discovering this has been so helpful for me. I usually blame myself for any feeling that isn't "calm, connected, and content." Sure, if I stayed up too late and now I'm tired, maybe that's on me, but so much of all the other things we feel and experience aren't our faults. We aren't failures for not being perfectly happy butterflies every moment of every waking day. Why do I even think that's something to strive for? The patriarchy? Capitalism? Something else??
Decoupling shame from negative emotions has been liberating for me. Why are we so often taught that 'negative emotions' are 'bad' and that we should avoid them and keep them to ourselves? How often will I remind myself of this before I stop beating myself up for having doubts, nerves, regrets, fears, or plain old bad days?
I've always thought that one day I would arrive in a land without any negative feelings. I would some day ‘crack the code’ on exsistence and live a a life of “no bad days”. Like walking some path to the beach, I would someday walk out into the sand and say, "I've made it! I've solved all the problems and answered all the questions, and now I can ENJOY life," but it's not like that – is it?
You get to the beach, and there are more problems; it's not so 'perfect' after all, so you keep walking with a new destination in mind, and so on. And that’s it, that’s what life is. We never arrive; we only continue to exist and maybe get better at doing so as we go. Feel more content along the way, learn things, and appreciate it more. We keep going and saying to ourselves, "I am still here."
Over the past few weeks, I have been scheming on what type of work I want to get in 2024. I'm still doing part-time design for The People's Courts. I got to work on a fun website design project with Bronze for a winery client. I am still drawing and thinking about what type of illustration work I could get in 2024 (beverage labels, maps for hotels, local murals).
I signed up for a painting class and made a list of things I want to accomplish in 2024. Most of those things are house projects, career goals, and creative pursuits that are somewhere in between (like sewing a quilt, redesigning our bedroom, and painting a mural our basement).
Despite January feeling like a total whirlwind, I got a lot done. And to honor what I've already done (as opposed to just piling on with more todos), I'm making a quick recap of the month in bullet points below. I love "have done" lists almost as much as I love "todo lists."
I drove to Mt. Shasta Ca to get us a second dog!
I spent so much time getting all the paperwork filled out for a short-term rental application that I had to send it to the city of Portland to continue hosting our basement on Airbnb.
I did some name change forms to set up my SEP account, which I've been procrastinating on, but the looming tax deadline finally motivated me.
I updated my books for 2023 and sent all the info to my accountant so she could do the P&L for last year.
I applied for a cool job. (Keeping my options open).
I updated my resume and my portfolio.
I finished a handful of fun graphics for my part-time graphic design client.
I met with a design student, and she and I chatted about portfolios, resumes, etc.
I got my haircut!
I went to Goodwill and scored a bunch of cute tops.
I signed up for a painting class.
I designed and printed some stickers! I can't wait to share them.
I helped build wireframes and a style guide for a website.
I sent some invoices and one scope of work.
I worked a handful of front desk shifts at The Peoples Courts.
I played Pickleball at least five times!
We interviewed and hired a rover to stay at our house for our trip to SD. (Domestic labor is real labor people).
We took our new Pup to the vet and made more vet appointments!
I had an electrician come out to quote electricity for the shed.
I set up two meetings with other creatives for next month.
I got us a table for our kitchen dining nook.
We survived the ICE storm of January 2024
We went to visit Nick's family in San Diego.
Woot! That was so many things! I feel accomplished looking at that list and plan to keep it going for the next 11 months. Thanks for reading, and if you are a subscriber, thank you for subscribing! See you next month.
Still Here,
Ariel